whatsacactus | (no subject)

Well.

[It's a word wrapped in a heavy exhalation, and Shiro gets to his feet as well, sets his hand on Keith's shoulder. It's meant as reassurance, he doesn't mean to tighten his fingers when his balance falters.]

I have to say, I've been better.

[He tosses a smile in on the tail end of the word, a little apologetic. Physically, there isn't much wrong with him that time won't heal. The Galra prosthesis-- he won't miss it. It was helpful, but having something done to him against his will, having something alien melded to him, fused to the bone-- it always made his skin crawl when he thought about it too closely. Pidge and Hunk think they can design something new.

(The clone didn't have to lose an arm at all. He wonders if Haggar bothered to do it when he was unconscious.)

But there's no use pretending that everything is okay otherwise. Keith might not call him out on it, but he'd feel bad for having done it. He doesn't want to lie. The clone's memories of Haggar forcing words out of his mouth he didn't mean - never would have meant - is still too raw a wound.

His attention flickers, from Keith's eyes to the scar. Away.]

I have to ask, though. Have you decided on a name? [A nod to the dog.] I've just been calling her - him? - Wolfie.

[He has a fantastic imagination, thanks.]

[Keith is watching him, sees when his eyes go to the scar and quickly away. He has no intention of bringing any of it up. But he follows Shiro's gaze to the wolf.]

We.. kinda did the same when we found them. Not that good at naming things.

[Keith kneels down, petting along the dogs muzzle and head, letting his fingers sink into its fur. He doesn't know if it's a him or a her, or if this species even has that. There's a lot he doesn't know about it if he's honest. It leans in to nose at his face and he smiles; alien or not, still has a wet dog nose.]

If they didn't growl at you, it's probably an okay name. [He looks up to Shiro again, still petting the dog.] They haven't been bothering you, have they?

[Keith never got on easily with other people. Shiro always thought-- there was a part of him that wanted people to give up on him, to leave him, to run. Maybe because he wanted to justify acting out, or maybe because he thought so little of himself, his worth, that it was only a delay in the inevitable when people didn't abandon him.

Seeing him interact so unselfconsciously with something - even an animal - does make him smile. Soft, genuine. An animal can be a source of honest comfort in dark times, and he's glad Keith has them.]

No, he's-- [a slight pause. correctively:] they've been great.

[He's slept very little, but once when he was dozing he found himself dipping into the realm of nightmares, and the creature had come and nosed him awake. Let him grip at its fur, perhaps too tightly, as he came back to himself. He doesn't know if Keith was aware of it or not. Either way, he hadn't mentioned it.

He doesn't crouch, but he does hold his hand out for the creature. It pauses a little, and then butts its head into his hand, laving its tongue across his palm.]

But maybe we should call them something else.

[There's a surge of sensation from Black. Something warm, welcoming. Familial. She likes the wolf-creature too. Not quite a Lion, but something with the heart of one. Shiro cocks his head to one side.]

How about 'Shadow'? I mean-- still not that original, but I don't know. I think it fits.

Mm. Yeah, I think so.

[Keith can't help smiling watching them. Shiro, alive and well and back with him, his mother not far away, and his wolf comfortable and familiar with Shiro here. It's everything he could have wanted.

He just had to fight through hell to get it. And for the first time in his life, he feels like he deserves this.]

Better than the names me and mom came up with. Should probably find out if it's a he or a she. Never really checked. [Which should have been something he did while they were waiting. He'd kept getting distracted each time there was a flash of memories from them both, or brief flashes of the future fighting Shiro.]

...Shiro, I'm-- [Even after everything, facing down putting his emotions into proper words is...difficult. He'd managed to do it there at the station because he was sure that was going to be the end for them both. That he'd needed to say it before they were gone. Now ...It's something he's come to terms with but has to try saying it again.]

I'm glad you're here.

[He doesn't flinch. He doesn't-- but the breath he draws is unsteady. He threads his fingers in the dog's scruff instead, pets its velvety, cosmic-coloured ears. It's grounding in that way that gravity always is, everything drawn towards an inevitable point.

(A killing thrust. No, he isn't going to think about that. Haggar put that in a mind that isn't even his own. The words echo, he scrambles to shut them out. The center must hold.]

I know it wasn't me.

[He says that calmly enough, but he still meets Keith's eyes.]

But this body and what inhabited it almost killed you, Keith.

[I don't understand how you can say that. He was gentle and encouraging to a boy that needed a family, a friend, but there are -- there should be limits. He's been a leader all his life, he knows that he has what it takes to inspire people, he's aware that others are drawn to him, that there have been many who would follow him into battle and more than a few that have died because of it, but this is perhaps the first time that he feels that devotion keenly enough that it cuts right down to the soul. He can barely stand to look at himself, he has no idea how Keith can.]

[Keith's breath comes up short, hanging somewhere in his chest. He hadn't planned on bringing that up, despite the results plain as day in front of Shiro. But he doesn't look away. His eyes get that same look he'd had watching the impostor stumble after losing the arm - a solemn acceptance.]

...I'd known it was going to happen. I was prepared for it.

[He'd done his best to stay calm and talk Shiro down over the comms. Kept his voice steady when he'd stalked toward Keith with the intent to kill. He'd tried to stay on defense until it was clear he had to weaken the clone a little bit to try.]

The Quantum Abyss... It had these strange flashes. Couldn't tell you how often, it was hard to tell. But during the flashes, I'd get memories of mom's or... Flashes of the future. I saw the fight.

I knew everything.

[Not everything. He was surprised by being adrift in Black's consciousness. But Shiro doesn't push it. Instead, he just--

He just. Looks down at his hand. You should have let go. He thinks it'd be a cruelty to say it. Keith isn't that sort of man. His loyalty, once earned, is an intransigent thing.]

You risked your life. And Black's.

[His expression flickers. He doesn't know if he should be chastising Keith for his recklessness, or thanking him.]

If you'd died, the Paladins would have been without a leader. You can't risk that for me, Keith. Any-- any version of me.

I know. But it was worth it.

[He finally sits next to him, reaching to pet Shadow's fur, that tail thumping happily against the floor now getting double the pets. He smiles - peaceful, tired, content.]

I didn't plan on coming back without you.

[It's a small thing, but powerful. Either he came back with Shiro, or neither came back at all. He knew he'd made up his mind when the fight started. Black though... He can't thank her enough for saving them. He likely never will be able to.]

Now we're here, and you're all right.

Keith--

[No, there's no point arguing. Keith would never give up on him, either.

Shiro just sighs, and then leans against Keith's shoulder, head down. The height difference makes it awkward, but he's so tired he doesn't even care.]

You need to put yourself first sometimes.

[Shiro leans against him, and Keith lets him. It catches him off guard just a breath before he settles there, an arm slowly wrapping around Shiro's shoulders to keep him close if he wants. This closeness is welcome, even if the memories of their fight is still fresh on his mind.]

I did, this time. [He'd wanted Shiro back. He knew Shiro wouldn't have wanted to be like that, he knows the team and the universe need Shiro, but he also wanted Shiro back. His want is nothing compared to the vast need of everyone, a blip in the horizon. But he couldn't ignore it entirely.]

Besides, I got two years to do nothing but think about myself.

[Keith's hand falls close to the edge of the prosthesis, where what's left of it melds into the skin. This wound, he supposes, is newer than the one he had in his (original?) other body. When he remembers to document the pain rather than simply overlook or ignore it, most of it radiates from the shoulder. The weight of Keith's arm is inconsequential, but he still has to draw a steadying breath.]

Yeah? Why don't you tell me about it?

[He laughs a little, Shadow raising her head up at him, then laying her head down on Shiro's leg. This is comfortable. More comfortable than anything he can remember in a long while.]

You really wanna hear about my two years on a space whale so big, it had its own ecosystem? It wasn't that exciting.

[Extreme camping, more like. And some of it was... deeply personal, for himself and Krolia. He'll tell Shiro someday, just not right now. Maybe once they figure out everything else around them.]

We were just riding along in the Quantum Abyss until we got to where we suspected the pure strain of quintessence was coming from.

It's not about whether or not it's exciting. It's your story.

[There's a very slight emphasis on the way he says your. The implication being, of course, that he'd find anything Keith did to be interesting regardless. Still--]

We could tell, you know? Black and I. When you came back-- there was something different about you. She was so proud of you, Keith. And so am I.

Maybe, but it's not very interesting to tell either.

[He sounds like he's relaxing, bit by bit the more they talk. It almost feels like before the fight with Zarkon. Almost.]

Her, I could tell. [He looks at the walls of Black around them and sighs. She really had been looking out for him.] But thanks, Shiro.

[He buries his fingers in Shadow's ruff, idly following one of the patterns in her fur. He had a dog when he was a child, but pets weren't allowed on base unless they were in some form of training themselves, and at that point they stopped being pets and started being soldiers.]

You don't need to thank me.

[It's always been a given, between them. He hesitates, and then--]

How is everything? With you and your mother?

[The clone met her, he has that memory. But he hasn't really exchanged too many words with her yet. He isn't sure if he's keeping his distance, or she's keeping hers. Maybe a little bit of both.]

It's... fine. [He surprises himself saying it. It's the first time he's really thought about it.] I know what happened... And I understand why it happened.

But we talked about all of it.

[Keith looks off, like seeing his mother somewhere beyond the room they're in.]

I don't blame her.

[He makes a soft, agreeable sound and lapses into brief silence. His focus on the slow pattern of his hand, concentration broken only when Shadow cranes her head around and butts at his palm with her wet dog nose. He draws a breath, one that hitches on his ribs - broken still from the fight, but mending.]

I didn't-- what I sai-- what he said to you. Neither of us would have meant it.

[It's maybe the first time he's implied that the clone cared for Keith too. Even if the feelings, even if the memories were implanted-- what makes them real? Living them, or having them? Is there a difference? He mourns what another version of himself might have become, given time. Given freedom. And he can never apologize for what he's taken just by being here. He doesn't believe he had a greater right to life just because he came first, because at least he got to live. The clone was always locked into a singular destiny from the first moment he drew breath.]

I know that you know that. But I wanted to say it. He loved you too.

[His voice breaks a little, on that admission. Not many people alive know him well enough to catch it, but Keith does.]

[He catches it. His voice catches in his throat as he watches Shiro's face. Keith has to make sure he heard that right before he responds. He's sure he did.]

Y-yeah?

[God, that's dumb. He's being dumb, Shiro literally just admitted it, however subtle. He looks down at Shadow, moving the hand petting her so it's closer to Shiro's. Not quite touching though. He's still a little nervous.]

I guessed that was her influence. But... thanks for saying it.

[Shiro, meanwhile, is Fucking Oblivious™.]

She had access to everything. All of it. She knew how to push your buttons. And mine. Some of it's still-- [He raises his hand, taps his temple, and then lets it drop again back to where it was.] here.

[Quietly,]

Don't tell the others.

[It's an order and a plea. Both, somehow. But they're worried enough about him, and that's the last thing Shiro needs. Keith deserves to know because of how deeply it affected him, but it's- private. The rest.]

[He nods, a little awed that Shiro's sharing that with him.]

Of course... [He'd only mention if it became a threat to anyone. Somehow he doesn't think it will, but Shiro's word is all he needs. He trusts him with everything.]

What do you wanna do when we get back to Earth?

[He keeps glancing down from Shiro's face to Shiro's hand intermittently. He wants to do something incredibly impulsive and stupid, like he would have years ago.]

[That gets a soft little laugh. There's the obvious answer, the duty-minded one. They need to refit. Rebuild the Castle of Lions. He wants to talk to Matt, Matt, who's alive, to whom he has so much to say. They need to rally Earth to their cause, and Shiro... he doesn't think Lotor's out of the fight just yet. The Galra are hard to kill at the best of times, and Shiro has enough blood on his hands to know the intimate specifics.

He tips his head back against the wall.]

You remember that diner we used to drive out to? I could really go for a plate of their pancakes.

[They were frequently burnt, but you got used to the taste after a while.]

Mm. Yeah, I remember.

[It's hard not to take the look at Shiro's neck with his head back. Maybe.

He shifts his hand a little closer, just touching his knuckles to Shiro's.]

Wasn't really the same to go to after you left. Stopped going after a couple times.

We should go. Just the two of us.

[It isn't that he doesn't care for the rest of the Paladins and for everyone associated with their cause, because he does. So damningly, so deeply, he'd go into hell for any one of them with no more prompting than a word. But Keith was there first, and there are things Shiro owes to him that he doesn't to the others.]

I don't think they'd get it.

[The pancakes were usually burnt, but that's not the point of the place, not for them really.]

But we should. Pretty sure they'd be happy serving you again. [Shiro hasn't brushed his hand away, so Keith lets the weight of it settle against Shiro's hand. Just there. Touching and not feeling like the worst for it.]

[In all honesty, he's pretty sure Keith's just worried about him, and that's what all this physical contact is about. He doesn't mind it. Keith's hand is warm.]

You think the same people still work there?

[He chuckles at the thought. There was a tiny old lady everyone called Auntie, who snuck them extra and complained the barracks wasn't feeding them enough. Two growing boys, and they feed you no better than dogs! I won't have it. She would gather them both up for hugs and pat Keith on the head (which Shiro thinks he secretly enjoyed) and on cold days she'd give them hot chocolate for free.]

It feels like a lifetime.

[It has been, in some ways. In a lot of ways. He's not the same man he was then, when life had seemed so simple, when the universe was a smaller thing in his mind. Before the Lions, before the Galra-- the fights, that... damn pit. Everything.]

I hope it tastes the same, after eating so much alien food.

[His taste buds have acclimated to new things. He has a different sense of sweetness than he used to.]