whatsacactus | (no subject)

[He catches it. His voice catches in his throat as he watches Shiro's face. Keith has to make sure he heard that right before he responds. He's sure he did.]

Y-yeah?

[God, that's dumb. He's being dumb, Shiro literally just admitted it, however subtle. He looks down at Shadow, moving the hand petting her so it's closer to Shiro's. Not quite touching though. He's still a little nervous.]

I guessed that was her influence. But... thanks for saying it.

[Shiro, meanwhile, is Fucking Oblivious™.]

She had access to everything. All of it. She knew how to push your buttons. And mine. Some of it's still-- [He raises his hand, taps his temple, and then lets it drop again back to where it was.] here.

[Quietly,]

Don't tell the others.

[It's an order and a plea. Both, somehow. But they're worried enough about him, and that's the last thing Shiro needs. Keith deserves to know because of how deeply it affected him, but it's- private. The rest.]

[He nods, a little awed that Shiro's sharing that with him.]

Of course... [He'd only mention if it became a threat to anyone. Somehow he doesn't think it will, but Shiro's word is all he needs. He trusts him with everything.]

What do you wanna do when we get back to Earth?

[He keeps glancing down from Shiro's face to Shiro's hand intermittently. He wants to do something incredibly impulsive and stupid, like he would have years ago.]

[That gets a soft little laugh. There's the obvious answer, the duty-minded one. They need to refit. Rebuild the Castle of Lions. He wants to talk to Matt, Matt, who's alive, to whom he has so much to say. They need to rally Earth to their cause, and Shiro... he doesn't think Lotor's out of the fight just yet. The Galra are hard to kill at the best of times, and Shiro has enough blood on his hands to know the intimate specifics.

He tips his head back against the wall.]

You remember that diner we used to drive out to? I could really go for a plate of their pancakes.

[They were frequently burnt, but you got used to the taste after a while.]

Mm. Yeah, I remember.

[It's hard not to take the look at Shiro's neck with his head back. Maybe.

He shifts his hand a little closer, just touching his knuckles to Shiro's.]

Wasn't really the same to go to after you left. Stopped going after a couple times.

We should go. Just the two of us.

[It isn't that he doesn't care for the rest of the Paladins and for everyone associated with their cause, because he does. So damningly, so deeply, he'd go into hell for any one of them with no more prompting than a word. But Keith was there first, and there are things Shiro owes to him that he doesn't to the others.]

I don't think they'd get it.

[The pancakes were usually burnt, but that's not the point of the place, not for them really.]

But we should. Pretty sure they'd be happy serving you again. [Shiro hasn't brushed his hand away, so Keith lets the weight of it settle against Shiro's hand. Just there. Touching and not feeling like the worst for it.]

[In all honesty, he's pretty sure Keith's just worried about him, and that's what all this physical contact is about. He doesn't mind it. Keith's hand is warm.]

You think the same people still work there?

[He chuckles at the thought. There was a tiny old lady everyone called Auntie, who snuck them extra and complained the barracks wasn't feeding them enough. Two growing boys, and they feed you no better than dogs! I won't have it. She would gather them both up for hugs and pat Keith on the head (which Shiro thinks he secretly enjoyed) and on cold days she'd give them hot chocolate for free.]

It feels like a lifetime.

[It has been, in some ways. In a lot of ways. He's not the same man he was then, when life had seemed so simple, when the universe was a smaller thing in his mind. Before the Lions, before the Galra-- the fights, that... damn pit. Everything.]

I hope it tastes the same, after eating so much alien food.

[His taste buds have acclimated to new things. He has a different sense of sweetness than he used to.]

Mm. [He is, but this is him testing his own limits. How comfortable is he with physical contact like this that he initiates himself?]

I hope Auntie's there. I kinda miss her. [No 'kinda', he does really miss her. He has a lot to thank her for, looking back. She really took care of them outside of the Garrison when she had the chance. It was just so foreign to him at the time, he didn't know what to make of it.]

I never thought I'd say it, but I kind of miss the mess hall burritos.

I miss her too.

[Which is all well and good, but then Keith has to go and mention the burritos. Shiro just groans. It's only the slightest bit theatrical.]

Did you actually just say that? I think the last one sent me to medbay...

[He laughs, raising his hand and then placing it on Shiro's, gently curling around it.]

We've eaten nothing but alien food for the last couple of years. [Keith, that's just been you for that long.] Call me crazy, fine, but I miss it. I think about the Garrison, and... I dunno, I think about the gross mess hall food.

[oh is this a thing they're doing now?

Shiro starts slightly, and then looks down at their hands. He doesn't move, but he doesn't reciprocate either. It has, however, pushed all thought of food right out of his mind.]

Keith...

[It's gentle. A little questioning.]

[Oh.

Oh shit. He... was wrong. He was so wrong and he realizes it in an instant of Shiro sounding confused.

He pulls his hand away like it was burned by that galra energy sword that burned his face. His face is hot and it's hard to breathe suddenly.

He fucked up.]

Sorry. I'm-- I thought... [He exhales deeply, keeping his eyes away from Shiro.] I was wrong. I'm sorry.

Hey.

[His tone is soft, but there's an element of warning to it. He knows what goes on in Keith's head when he feels he's screwed something up, and Shiro isn't about to let him stumble down that road.]

No, it's all right. Let's-- we should talk about this.

[A few things click into place, things he'd never thought of or considered before. He knew Keith looked up to him, but this is... something else and Shiro feels instantly, horrifically ashamed. As if he's taken advantage of him somehow.]

It's fine.

[His thoughts are moving too fast for him to put into words. Shiro loved him, but not like that. That wasn't the same and he'd made some grievous assumptions. He'd gotten too cocky in what he thought was right. He swallows it down, clenches his fists tight on his knees, something all too familiar to him with his memories still in the forefront.]

I'm-- Sorry. But it's fine.

[Gently,]

Keith. Please. I want to understand.

[The last thing he wants him to do is shut down. He's become someone else in the last two years, someone with all the familiar echoes of the boy he helped to raise but with new elements that he hasn't quite put into place yet. But he knows from experience, when Keith shuts him out, whatever he's protecting himself from never quite heals right.]

I-- [He runs hand through his bangs. He'd talked about Shiro a lot with his mom. Shared those memories with her during the flashes. It was during all that he realized what he actually felt for Shiro, having some insight from someone else who did everything to protect her loved one.

He loved you, too.

Keith thought-- He thought so much in just a few seconds.

He looks down at Shadow, feeling her nose against his hand earnestly. She can tell he's upset, even as he tries stroking her fur with trembling hands.]

I thought... You felt the same way. I was wrong.

[Shiro lets out a long, steady exhalation, like the sort you might risk if you're behind enemy lines but still need to breathe. He knows he needs to be careful. But everything is so twisted up in his head and in his heart he's not sure where he can step without falling.

He shouldn't have opened his damn mouth. Hurting Keith is the last thing he would have ever wanted.]

It's not your fault.

[That much he knows. He's not sure if Keith does, or would agree. He has to tell him that, make him understand it. Shiro pulls away from him - not far, but enough that there's some distance. Mentally and physically both. Maybe he should have done it from the start, but he didn't think for a moment it would lead to this. Five minutes ago he was just lost and touch-starved, quietly appreciative of the support and friendship of his oldest ally, and now--]

I'm sorry, I wasn't-- trying to lead you on.

[Saying that is hideous, the words taste like ash on his tongue.]

Keith, not only was I your superior, operating in a position of power over you, but I'm also six years older. I never meant to make you feel like this.

Shiro. [His eyes stare ahead away from him, steel and forced cold. But his voice quivers on the end of his friend's name.]

It's fine. I understand.

[He'd called Shiro his brother before. He meant that, to an extent. But he also didn't have the experience or the knowledge to sort that feeling out until he had his mother. To talk about things at length because that was all they had to do. He trained with her, trained his dog, and shared his life with his mother. So much of what he'd felt finally made sense.

It's only natural he ruins it the second he gets the chance.]

I'm sorry, Shiro.

No, it--

[Black's cockpit, that usually feels like home around him, is suddenly claustrophobic, the air seems stale and warm. His breathing is too fast. His chest too tight. The arm he'd lost aches all the way down to its invisible fingertips, and he can feel Black's concern like a lifeline tossed from a ship. Whether it's because she senses his upset or Keith's, he's not sure. He doesn't know why he can't seem to breathe.]

You don't have anything to apologize for. It's normal to-- develop feelings for the people you're closest to. We spent a lot of time together in your formative years, it's only natural.

I'm sorry I made an assumption for you.

[He sputters it out quick, just on the verge of losing it. His chest is heaving fast and shallow. He has to move, he has to get up to his feet and move because suddenly sitting there is too hot to bear.

He circles the space, then holds his hand out to Shadow. Stay. He mentally begs Black to look after Shiro.]

Let me know if you need anything?

[It's so quiet, and so so unsure. Is he allowed to offer that, after what he just did? He heads to the cockpit, giving Shiro space, a dog, and Black's attention.]

[Stop saying you're sorry. He doesn't say it. It would only make this whole situation worse.]

All right.

[Don't think he doesn't notice what you did just there, Keith. He has the immediate, automatic reaction to say that they should maybe swap lions. Shiro can ride with one of the others for a while, but-- he knows from prior experience that Keith would take that as a punishment.

There are so many other things he wants to say. Reassurances he wants to offer. That this doesn't change anything about how Shiro feels about him, that it's not weird or unnatural or abnormal, that it's all right, but when he opens his mouth, Keith has already slumped back into the pilot's chair, and it's like a wall's gone up between them.

So Shiro just. He draws a leg up against his chest and wraps his arm around it. Shadow sits up and puts a paw against his arm, and then simply leans against him, and the cockpit is silent.]

[He's quiet for a while. Focusing on where they are currently, their power cells. But eventually he's done all he can without opening a channel to the others. He could. He should so they can regroup, figure out where to stop for a while. But it'd be at the risk of them hearing him like this, and he doesn't want to answer questions.

He clears his throat, a nasty wet 'didn't-just-cry-my-eyes-out' sort of sound before opening the audio channel.]

Next planet that comes up, let's make a stop. Need to stretch out.

[There are agreements all around, others wanting to stretch, some wanting to sit and eat. Keith closes the channel before he lets anything come through and settles into the pilot chair. He doesn't have to control Black right now, but it's all he knows to do when he's upset. Fight or fly.]

...We're going to stop at the next planet.

[He makes an agreeable noise, and then, soft--]

Do you want me to swap out with one of the others?

Only if you want.

[He won't even come close to deciding anything for him. If Shiro rides with someone else, Keith isn't sure he'd want anyone else here with him for a while. It hurts, having been that close for a second and then realize they weren't on that same page.

He's internally focused, doesn't feel the change in direction. The comm channel is off so he doesn't hear the others asking where he's going, he's breaking away from the group.

He does notice the bright light suddenly in front of them. They're on top of the wormhole before Keith even has time to turn them away.]

What are you doing?! [He's frantic; he's never had Black act like this with him before. She's acting on her own, not listening to him or the controls.]

Shiro-- Hold on! [And they're in, the wormhole closing behind them.]

Edited 2018-06-19 04:42 (UTC)