whatsacactus | (no subject)

No, I know.

[He extricates himself from Keith's immediate space, but rather than pull away-- he reaches after a moment for his hand. Like the kiss, his touch is soft and tentative. Shiro's always been a person to whom surety comes naturally, but this is. It's different. Not exactly uncharted territory, but-- different.]

But I wanted to stay here a bit longer. Watch the sky.

I--

[He wants to talk about this now. He wants to understand what Shiro's thinking. He also doesn't want to argue, or push Shiro if he's uncomfortable.

Instead, he squeezes his hand gently and shifts to sit comfortably.]

All right.

[He keeps his expression calm, but now his nerves are jumpy. Like getting a text that just says 'We need to talk' and having to wait.]

[It's one of those times where he knows what's on Keith's mind. It'd be cruel to make him wait too long, so it's only a few minutes later that Shiro stands up, tugging Keith up with him.]

C'mon. Let's go inside. Easier to talk.

[Every time the thunder crashes it's a little loud out here. He doesn't want them yelling at each other to be heard.]

Yep. Agreed.

[He gets to his feet with Shiro's help, Shadow looking up at them like the worst thing they could do is move. She yawns and stretches before following them back inside. Keith's so dumbfounded he doesn't even realize he's brought the small griffon in with them until he's sitting down in the den. It's nuzzling against his chest happily now that it's inside away from the noise.

He takes a minute to breathe. To try and get his thoughts together.]

Shiro. I know what I thought. But I wanna ask you first. What ...you think about it all.

[He sits down as well, in the chair he's sort of... claimed as being his, that he supposes was Honerva's once. Deep breath, Shiro.]

I'm not sure. I'm still-- working it out. The other things I said still stand. I don't know if this is right, but--

[He looks down at his hand. There's dirt under his nails from all the time they've spent outside, or climbing. He thinks some of it might just be blood.]

Nothing we've ever done has been conventional. Either of us. And I don't... know if I can pass on a chance for us both to be happy just because it doesn't strictly adhere to what's societally acceptable. But I have a few questions-- and I think it's best that we both lay some ground rules first.

['us both to be happy'. Does that mean Shiro's thinking he could be happy with him? Or something else?

He nods, scratching under the little griffon's chin but keeping his eyes trained on Shiro. He doesn't want to look away.]

All right. What, what questions?

[Softly,]

How long?

[He draws a shallow breath. He doesn't want to just blurt out the first thing he thinks, he takes a moment to actually think.]

Sometime... after you left. And finding you again. I think. I knew I felt something when I grabbed you from the crash site. And I didn't really know what it was until I was alone again. [With the Blades. With his mother.]

[That-- makes it easier, in some respect. He lets out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding, and it makes some of the tension ease across his shoulders. He can't explain why it's different, just that it is.]

Okay.

[Keith nods before finally looking away and down at the little creature in his arm. It's fluffed up its feathers and hunkered down for the night, head tucked under one wing.

He wonders what it's like to be that comfortable with someone. He had been for a while with shiro. Maybe he can be again.

Keith lets the silence fall between them. He knows Shiro's thinking a lot of other things and wants to give him time.]

[He's grateful for the silence. He and Keith have always been good at it - it's always easy, comfortable between them. But when Keith has questions, or something to say-- well, that's always the first thing that breaks it, too. Honestly, Shiro's a little surprised he doesn't.

At length,]

I just. I need to know it wasn't... anything I did, that it wasn't some way I took advantage of you.

[Maybe it's best he lay that fear out. Bring it into the light, so at least they can have an honest discussion about it.]

[Keith blinks back up to him. That Shiro would ever think that... It hurts his heart that Shiro would feel that way. While he knows Shiro isn't so above board he wouldn't use something to his advantage, he knows it would never be something between them he'd do it to.

He shakes his head gently.]

It wasn't. You're just... You're kind. Patient. You try to understand me when no one else would. I didn't realize how much I missed you until they-- Told me. About the mission. I took it out on Iverson, and got booted and. [Breathe. He was letting himself get worked up and he can't do that.]

When I looked back at those last couple of months before you left for Kerberos... Those were some of the happiest months I can ever remember. Because it was with you.

[That hits him. Harder in some ways than he could have ever imagined. His elbow is resting on the arm of the chair, he briefly drops his head into his hand. His breathing is unsteady, he has to fight to control it.]

All right. Thank you.

[Shit. Keith's watching him warily, holding that creature a little closer.]

Y-yeah. You're welcome.

[He looks down at the small thing, petting along its wing. And waits.]

[It's the little stutter that brings him back to the moment. This isn't about him. He straightens up, shakes his head.]

Okay.

[He takes another breath.]

Is this something you'd... want to tell the others about?

...I don't know.

[Reason goes to show they might have already suspected Shiro and Keith were something more. But never asked out of respect. Who knows.]

I think maybe figure it out first at least.

[A slight little huff of laughter.]

Right. Getting ahead of myself. Sorry.

[He reaches out to scratch the little griffon creature along its side. Gently. It makes a sort of... mrrling sound at him and flaps its small wings lazily.]

So where do you stand now?

[Tough.]

...I still feel the same. That hasn't changed. But I don't want you to feel like you have to do anything. Or feel uncomfortable.

If you don't feel the same, that's fine, Shiro.

I kissed you because I wanted to. Not because I felt obligated.

[He wants to make that much Very Clear. Because he knows that if he was even the slightest bit vague about it, Keith would torture himself with guilt until the end of time.]

I don't know yet if I feel the same, but I know I love you.

[Shiro cares about everyone. He's always been free and easy with his affections. But he loves Keith.]

And I want to... try. I can't guarantee it'll go the way you want, but. I want to try.

[Shiro saying he wanted to do that puts some of his nerves at ease.]

...Guess it's a bad time to say I don't really know what I want? Never... thought about something serious like this.

Well, that makes two of us.

[Ha, ha. They're definitely both adults who know what they're doing.]

I haven't-- not since Aisha.

[She and Shiro dated early on when he knew Keith. They got along well, though they were never close. But when his duties at the garrison started taking up more and more of his time, they'd made the mutual decision to break it off. There was never any animosity about it, and Shiro hadn't bothered dating again. He wasn't one for casual hook-ups or flings, either, so that really is the sum of his experience.]

Mm.

[Keith sort of remembers her. Like an additional asterisk to that point in their life. He remembers Shiro being happy with her, laughing. But then one day he noticed she hadn't been around as much anymore. He never asked why. Too young to really care.

He never had anything serious like that. Nothing so exclusionary. but he's definitely been with some guys. Maybe not the best moment to mention it.]

Remember her. She was nice.

She liked you a lot.

[It was one of the reasons Shiro had been so tender with her. She had a big heart and she wasn't afraid to wear it on her sleeve. She was kind to everyone but she'd certainly been no one's doormat. They spoke just before he left for the Kerberos mission, and she wished him well. He hopes that whatever she's done in her life, it's gone well for her.

But being with her had never really felt-- right. It was comfortable, but that doesn't mean it fit.]

I just mean, I don't really know what I want either. Let's just... take it one day at a time.

[He nods, seeing Shadow sort of settle down by Shiro's chair. The warm ball of fluff in his arm. It's nice. All of this.

It can't last. Eventually the storm has to let up and they have to go back.

But for now, this is nice.]

One day at a time, then.

[He makes a soft, contented noise of agreement, reaching out to tangle his hand in the ruff at Shadow's neck. The wolf leans into him, craning her head around to lick at his palm.

Black, at the edge of his conscious mind, feels downright smug. Shiro blinks, and then--]

Oh.

[It clicks into place. Wryly,]

Can you feel that too?