whatsacactus | (no subject)

We should go. Just the two of us.

[It isn't that he doesn't care for the rest of the Paladins and for everyone associated with their cause, because he does. So damningly, so deeply, he'd go into hell for any one of them with no more prompting than a word. But Keith was there first, and there are things Shiro owes to him that he doesn't to the others.]

I don't think they'd get it.

[The pancakes were usually burnt, but that's not the point of the place, not for them really.]

But we should. Pretty sure they'd be happy serving you again. [Shiro hasn't brushed his hand away, so Keith lets the weight of it settle against Shiro's hand. Just there. Touching and not feeling like the worst for it.]

[In all honesty, he's pretty sure Keith's just worried about him, and that's what all this physical contact is about. He doesn't mind it. Keith's hand is warm.]

You think the same people still work there?

[He chuckles at the thought. There was a tiny old lady everyone called Auntie, who snuck them extra and complained the barracks wasn't feeding them enough. Two growing boys, and they feed you no better than dogs! I won't have it. She would gather them both up for hugs and pat Keith on the head (which Shiro thinks he secretly enjoyed) and on cold days she'd give them hot chocolate for free.]

It feels like a lifetime.

[It has been, in some ways. In a lot of ways. He's not the same man he was then, when life had seemed so simple, when the universe was a smaller thing in his mind. Before the Lions, before the Galra-- the fights, that... damn pit. Everything.]

I hope it tastes the same, after eating so much alien food.

[His taste buds have acclimated to new things. He has a different sense of sweetness than he used to.]

Mm. [He is, but this is him testing his own limits. How comfortable is he with physical contact like this that he initiates himself?]

I hope Auntie's there. I kinda miss her. [No 'kinda', he does really miss her. He has a lot to thank her for, looking back. She really took care of them outside of the Garrison when she had the chance. It was just so foreign to him at the time, he didn't know what to make of it.]

I never thought I'd say it, but I kind of miss the mess hall burritos.

I miss her too.

[Which is all well and good, but then Keith has to go and mention the burritos. Shiro just groans. It's only the slightest bit theatrical.]

Did you actually just say that? I think the last one sent me to medbay...

[He laughs, raising his hand and then placing it on Shiro's, gently curling around it.]

We've eaten nothing but alien food for the last couple of years. [Keith, that's just been you for that long.] Call me crazy, fine, but I miss it. I think about the Garrison, and... I dunno, I think about the gross mess hall food.

[oh is this a thing they're doing now?

Shiro starts slightly, and then looks down at their hands. He doesn't move, but he doesn't reciprocate either. It has, however, pushed all thought of food right out of his mind.]

Keith...

[It's gentle. A little questioning.]

[Oh.

Oh shit. He... was wrong. He was so wrong and he realizes it in an instant of Shiro sounding confused.

He pulls his hand away like it was burned by that galra energy sword that burned his face. His face is hot and it's hard to breathe suddenly.

He fucked up.]

Sorry. I'm-- I thought... [He exhales deeply, keeping his eyes away from Shiro.] I was wrong. I'm sorry.

Hey.

[His tone is soft, but there's an element of warning to it. He knows what goes on in Keith's head when he feels he's screwed something up, and Shiro isn't about to let him stumble down that road.]

No, it's all right. Let's-- we should talk about this.

[A few things click into place, things he'd never thought of or considered before. He knew Keith looked up to him, but this is... something else and Shiro feels instantly, horrifically ashamed. As if he's taken advantage of him somehow.]

It's fine.

[His thoughts are moving too fast for him to put into words. Shiro loved him, but not like that. That wasn't the same and he'd made some grievous assumptions. He'd gotten too cocky in what he thought was right. He swallows it down, clenches his fists tight on his knees, something all too familiar to him with his memories still in the forefront.]

I'm-- Sorry. But it's fine.

[Gently,]

Keith. Please. I want to understand.

[The last thing he wants him to do is shut down. He's become someone else in the last two years, someone with all the familiar echoes of the boy he helped to raise but with new elements that he hasn't quite put into place yet. But he knows from experience, when Keith shuts him out, whatever he's protecting himself from never quite heals right.]

I-- [He runs hand through his bangs. He'd talked about Shiro a lot with his mom. Shared those memories with her during the flashes. It was during all that he realized what he actually felt for Shiro, having some insight from someone else who did everything to protect her loved one.

He loved you, too.

Keith thought-- He thought so much in just a few seconds.

He looks down at Shadow, feeling her nose against his hand earnestly. She can tell he's upset, even as he tries stroking her fur with trembling hands.]

I thought... You felt the same way. I was wrong.

[Shiro lets out a long, steady exhalation, like the sort you might risk if you're behind enemy lines but still need to breathe. He knows he needs to be careful. But everything is so twisted up in his head and in his heart he's not sure where he can step without falling.

He shouldn't have opened his damn mouth. Hurting Keith is the last thing he would have ever wanted.]

It's not your fault.

[That much he knows. He's not sure if Keith does, or would agree. He has to tell him that, make him understand it. Shiro pulls away from him - not far, but enough that there's some distance. Mentally and physically both. Maybe he should have done it from the start, but he didn't think for a moment it would lead to this. Five minutes ago he was just lost and touch-starved, quietly appreciative of the support and friendship of his oldest ally, and now--]

I'm sorry, I wasn't-- trying to lead you on.

[Saying that is hideous, the words taste like ash on his tongue.]

Keith, not only was I your superior, operating in a position of power over you, but I'm also six years older. I never meant to make you feel like this.

Shiro. [His eyes stare ahead away from him, steel and forced cold. But his voice quivers on the end of his friend's name.]

It's fine. I understand.

[He'd called Shiro his brother before. He meant that, to an extent. But he also didn't have the experience or the knowledge to sort that feeling out until he had his mother. To talk about things at length because that was all they had to do. He trained with her, trained his dog, and shared his life with his mother. So much of what he'd felt finally made sense.

It's only natural he ruins it the second he gets the chance.]

I'm sorry, Shiro.

No, it--

[Black's cockpit, that usually feels like home around him, is suddenly claustrophobic, the air seems stale and warm. His breathing is too fast. His chest too tight. The arm he'd lost aches all the way down to its invisible fingertips, and he can feel Black's concern like a lifeline tossed from a ship. Whether it's because she senses his upset or Keith's, he's not sure. He doesn't know why he can't seem to breathe.]

You don't have anything to apologize for. It's normal to-- develop feelings for the people you're closest to. We spent a lot of time together in your formative years, it's only natural.

I'm sorry I made an assumption for you.

[He sputters it out quick, just on the verge of losing it. His chest is heaving fast and shallow. He has to move, he has to get up to his feet and move because suddenly sitting there is too hot to bear.

He circles the space, then holds his hand out to Shadow. Stay. He mentally begs Black to look after Shiro.]

Let me know if you need anything?

[It's so quiet, and so so unsure. Is he allowed to offer that, after what he just did? He heads to the cockpit, giving Shiro space, a dog, and Black's attention.]

[Stop saying you're sorry. He doesn't say it. It would only make this whole situation worse.]

All right.

[Don't think he doesn't notice what you did just there, Keith. He has the immediate, automatic reaction to say that they should maybe swap lions. Shiro can ride with one of the others for a while, but-- he knows from prior experience that Keith would take that as a punishment.

There are so many other things he wants to say. Reassurances he wants to offer. That this doesn't change anything about how Shiro feels about him, that it's not weird or unnatural or abnormal, that it's all right, but when he opens his mouth, Keith has already slumped back into the pilot's chair, and it's like a wall's gone up between them.

So Shiro just. He draws a leg up against his chest and wraps his arm around it. Shadow sits up and puts a paw against his arm, and then simply leans against him, and the cockpit is silent.]

[He's quiet for a while. Focusing on where they are currently, their power cells. But eventually he's done all he can without opening a channel to the others. He could. He should so they can regroup, figure out where to stop for a while. But it'd be at the risk of them hearing him like this, and he doesn't want to answer questions.

He clears his throat, a nasty wet 'didn't-just-cry-my-eyes-out' sort of sound before opening the audio channel.]

Next planet that comes up, let's make a stop. Need to stretch out.

[There are agreements all around, others wanting to stretch, some wanting to sit and eat. Keith closes the channel before he lets anything come through and settles into the pilot chair. He doesn't have to control Black right now, but it's all he knows to do when he's upset. Fight or fly.]

...We're going to stop at the next planet.

[He makes an agreeable noise, and then, soft--]

Do you want me to swap out with one of the others?

Only if you want.

[He won't even come close to deciding anything for him. If Shiro rides with someone else, Keith isn't sure he'd want anyone else here with him for a while. It hurts, having been that close for a second and then realize they weren't on that same page.

He's internally focused, doesn't feel the change in direction. The comm channel is off so he doesn't hear the others asking where he's going, he's breaking away from the group.

He does notice the bright light suddenly in front of them. They're on top of the wormhole before Keith even has time to turn them away.]

What are you doing?! [He's frantic; he's never had Black act like this with him before. She's acting on her own, not listening to him or the controls.]

Shiro-- Hold on! [And they're in, the wormhole closing behind them.]

Edited 2018-06-19 04:42 (UTC)

[He's instantly on his feet, lunging forwards towards the chair. He isn't sure to what end - if he were to think of his own safety, he'd be better off on the floor where at least he can't fall. His grasp of balance, off-kilter as he is from the lack of his real arm or the heavier prosthetic he'd learned to compensate for, is tenuous at best.

But he wasn't sure if Keith had bothered to strap in, and if there's a chance this is enemy action--

He hits the back of the chair shoulder first - his bad one, so it jars him, but then he just braces himself against it and wraps his other arm around Keith from behind.]

I got you.

[Wormholes never sit well with him, but this one is violently tumultuous. He can barely stand, and he can't get anything from Black at all. He can barely feel her presence on the furthest reaches of his mind. He reaches out, trying to re-establish the connection and then-- suddenly they're through to the other side.

Normally, his first reaction would be to establish threat assessment, or familiar star patterns, points of reference. Something, anything that would help them--

There's no time. They-- warped inside a planet's atmosphere, and the ground is coming up at them so fast--

All he can do is hold on.

Impacts always are mercifully brief.

He can't have been unconscious for more than a few seconds, though, and then he's blinking up at the interior of Black's cockpit. His vision is fuzzy, but his first thought is for--]

Keith. You okay?

[He feels the weight of Shiro's arm around him and that's the worst - the worst thing he needs to top all this off. This is the worst jump he's ever experienced, and he wonders if it's because the jump is from someone inexperienced on the other side, or something different altogether.

He grits his teeth, tries to make do with having not strapped in; this hadn't exactly been on his agenda.

Once they're through, he reaches for the controls, controlled panic to try and establish where they are. But Black didn't give him much time to take stock of the situation. They're landing fast. He sees trees of different colors, earth, and then the slam of the cockpit because he's an idiot who didn't fasten in--

He's still in rough shape from the fight with Kuron, exhausted from the fight with Lotor and this trip, and mentally drained from what happened with Shiro. He feels limp, something warm leaking down his face as he's able to make out the color of the dash against his face.

He's crashed a good number of ships since going into space, but that was likely the worst one he's had. Black is helping ease the rising panic, seeming to be fine.]

Y-yeah...

[He gets up. It's rough, slow going. He can't tell if Black is on her side, or if he's just too dazed to walk straight, but he gets to Keith and helps to pull him up too. He's looking around for Shadow as he asks--]

Is she responding?

[Meaning Black specifically, but he hopes the wolf's okay too.]

[He moves with Shiro's help, tugging on one control weakly.]

Sort of... [He's quiet a moment, like listening. He feels Black just on the edges of consciousness.]

It...feels like she wants to stay here a while.

[Anger spikes.]

Damnit, Black! This is not the time!

[But he sees Shadow in a corner, at least. Dainty and composed as ever, tugging at a tuft of fur on the pad of her upturned paw. One worry down. Relief floods through him, but not so much that he doesn't make a single frustrated growl.]

Any idea where we are?