whatsacactus | (no subject)

We saved each other.

[Not just in the big, sweeping, dramatic moments. But the quieter ones. In his cell aboard the Galra cruiser. On that planet where they'd crashed, the first time Shiro told him he wanted him to lead the paladins. Here and now, crowded in close while a symphony of light and sound plays above an ancient garden paradise that somehow speaks to both their souls.

Shiro closes his eyes.

Keith loves him. He never questioned that. Not once, not for the briefest moment. But the man he's become - the leader, the warrior - is in love with him, and Shiro--

They've both sacrificed so much. Been willing to sacrifice everything so that the universe can be free. So that people can live and love and be happy at whatever personal expense it costs them. But Keith loves him, and he deserves to be happy too.

(Maybe they both do. Maybe this is something he can want for himself. Maybe the road they were on always lead to something like this. He doesn't want to think about it.)

His fingers tighten at the nape of Keith's neck, and gently, gently, he kisses him. Soft and chaste. Nothing of desire, just an expression of-- of something that doesn't yet have a name, something deep and sure but with a wildling heart.]

[It's a moment.

It's a moment he'd maybe thought about, like a wish he'll never get. Nothing so school boy as daydreaming, but he'd thought sometimes about what Shiro's lips would feel like. Would they be soft? Would they be dry and chapped? Who knew.

Keith doesn't breathe for a moment. He doesn't lean in further than Shiro pulled him, he doesn't try to follow, doesn't try to make it more than what Shiro just did. When Shiro pulls away, Keith is left staring at him holding his breath.

He doesn't want to hope. He doesn't want to dare dream of whatever Shiro's thinking that brought him to that. He gives a gentle squeeze to Shiro's neck, a sign that he's still there and aware, but his insides are doing flips and he isn't sure what to do. The only direction he's gone after something like that is down, and he knows that's not what he should do here.

Let Shiro decide if it means anything.]

What, uh. What was that for?

I don't... really know. It felt right.

[Though with the way Keith's looking at him, maybe he should be doubting that.]

I mean-- did it?

No, it-- it did. I just...

[He's confused. Thinking back over that conversation, how Shiro had reacted to what Keith told him, to Keith holding his hand.

...There hadn't been a 'no' in there, he realizes. God he's dumb sometimes, especially when it comes to feelings.]

Was confused. That's all. But it felt right.

[Well that's an awkward, tangled-up mess of feelings. There's a reason Shiro didn't really ever bother with dating after he was at the garrison. There was just... so much more he needed to focus on.]

Sorry. I probably should have asked first.

No, it's fine. It really is.

[God, he's never known what to do when things like this are serious. Not just a one-off blowing steam.

Keith carefully thumbs against the back of Shiro's neck, still not pulling away.]

Glad you didn't. [He would've floundered more. It may not have even happened if Shiro had asked.]

[He just sort of... laughs. It's not quite a nervous sound, but it's definitely a form of tension expulsion.]

Guess that would've made it worse, huh? Sorry. It-- I don't... know.

[A huff. He's babbling.]

We'll need to talk about this more later.

...We could talk about it now?

[He knows himself. he knows if they don't talk about it, the longer they go, the more uncertainty will fester in him. It'll grow into this nebulous, disgusting thing in him that tears apart his wants and his relationship with Shiro.]

Not really going anywhere for a while it looks like.

No, I know.

[He extricates himself from Keith's immediate space, but rather than pull away-- he reaches after a moment for his hand. Like the kiss, his touch is soft and tentative. Shiro's always been a person to whom surety comes naturally, but this is. It's different. Not exactly uncharted territory, but-- different.]

But I wanted to stay here a bit longer. Watch the sky.

I--

[He wants to talk about this now. He wants to understand what Shiro's thinking. He also doesn't want to argue, or push Shiro if he's uncomfortable.

Instead, he squeezes his hand gently and shifts to sit comfortably.]

All right.

[He keeps his expression calm, but now his nerves are jumpy. Like getting a text that just says 'We need to talk' and having to wait.]

[It's one of those times where he knows what's on Keith's mind. It'd be cruel to make him wait too long, so it's only a few minutes later that Shiro stands up, tugging Keith up with him.]

C'mon. Let's go inside. Easier to talk.

[Every time the thunder crashes it's a little loud out here. He doesn't want them yelling at each other to be heard.]

Yep. Agreed.

[He gets to his feet with Shiro's help, Shadow looking up at them like the worst thing they could do is move. She yawns and stretches before following them back inside. Keith's so dumbfounded he doesn't even realize he's brought the small griffon in with them until he's sitting down in the den. It's nuzzling against his chest happily now that it's inside away from the noise.

He takes a minute to breathe. To try and get his thoughts together.]

Shiro. I know what I thought. But I wanna ask you first. What ...you think about it all.

[He sits down as well, in the chair he's sort of... claimed as being his, that he supposes was Honerva's once. Deep breath, Shiro.]

I'm not sure. I'm still-- working it out. The other things I said still stand. I don't know if this is right, but--

[He looks down at his hand. There's dirt under his nails from all the time they've spent outside, or climbing. He thinks some of it might just be blood.]

Nothing we've ever done has been conventional. Either of us. And I don't... know if I can pass on a chance for us both to be happy just because it doesn't strictly adhere to what's societally acceptable. But I have a few questions-- and I think it's best that we both lay some ground rules first.

['us both to be happy'. Does that mean Shiro's thinking he could be happy with him? Or something else?

He nods, scratching under the little griffon's chin but keeping his eyes trained on Shiro. He doesn't want to look away.]

All right. What, what questions?

[Softly,]

How long?

[He draws a shallow breath. He doesn't want to just blurt out the first thing he thinks, he takes a moment to actually think.]

Sometime... after you left. And finding you again. I think. I knew I felt something when I grabbed you from the crash site. And I didn't really know what it was until I was alone again. [With the Blades. With his mother.]

[That-- makes it easier, in some respect. He lets out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding, and it makes some of the tension ease across his shoulders. He can't explain why it's different, just that it is.]

Okay.

[Keith nods before finally looking away and down at the little creature in his arm. It's fluffed up its feathers and hunkered down for the night, head tucked under one wing.

He wonders what it's like to be that comfortable with someone. He had been for a while with shiro. Maybe he can be again.

Keith lets the silence fall between them. He knows Shiro's thinking a lot of other things and wants to give him time.]

[He's grateful for the silence. He and Keith have always been good at it - it's always easy, comfortable between them. But when Keith has questions, or something to say-- well, that's always the first thing that breaks it, too. Honestly, Shiro's a little surprised he doesn't.

At length,]

I just. I need to know it wasn't... anything I did, that it wasn't some way I took advantage of you.

[Maybe it's best he lay that fear out. Bring it into the light, so at least they can have an honest discussion about it.]

[Keith blinks back up to him. That Shiro would ever think that... It hurts his heart that Shiro would feel that way. While he knows Shiro isn't so above board he wouldn't use something to his advantage, he knows it would never be something between them he'd do it to.

He shakes his head gently.]

It wasn't. You're just... You're kind. Patient. You try to understand me when no one else would. I didn't realize how much I missed you until they-- Told me. About the mission. I took it out on Iverson, and got booted and. [Breathe. He was letting himself get worked up and he can't do that.]

When I looked back at those last couple of months before you left for Kerberos... Those were some of the happiest months I can ever remember. Because it was with you.

[That hits him. Harder in some ways than he could have ever imagined. His elbow is resting on the arm of the chair, he briefly drops his head into his hand. His breathing is unsteady, he has to fight to control it.]

All right. Thank you.

[Shit. Keith's watching him warily, holding that creature a little closer.]

Y-yeah. You're welcome.

[He looks down at the small thing, petting along its wing. And waits.]

[It's the little stutter that brings him back to the moment. This isn't about him. He straightens up, shakes his head.]

Okay.

[He takes another breath.]

Is this something you'd... want to tell the others about?

...I don't know.

[Reason goes to show they might have already suspected Shiro and Keith were something more. But never asked out of respect. Who knows.]

I think maybe figure it out first at least.

[A slight little huff of laughter.]

Right. Getting ahead of myself. Sorry.

[He reaches out to scratch the little griffon creature along its side. Gently. It makes a sort of... mrrling sound at him and flaps its small wings lazily.]

So where do you stand now?