whatsacactus | (no subject)

[Shiro leans against him, and Keith lets him. It catches him off guard just a breath before he settles there, an arm slowly wrapping around Shiro's shoulders to keep him close if he wants. This closeness is welcome, even if the memories of their fight is still fresh on his mind.]

I did, this time. [He'd wanted Shiro back. He knew Shiro wouldn't have wanted to be like that, he knows the team and the universe need Shiro, but he also wanted Shiro back. His want is nothing compared to the vast need of everyone, a blip in the horizon. But he couldn't ignore it entirely.]

Besides, I got two years to do nothing but think about myself.

[Keith's hand falls close to the edge of the prosthesis, where what's left of it melds into the skin. This wound, he supposes, is newer than the one he had in his (original?) other body. When he remembers to document the pain rather than simply overlook or ignore it, most of it radiates from the shoulder. The weight of Keith's arm is inconsequential, but he still has to draw a steadying breath.]

Yeah? Why don't you tell me about it?

[He laughs a little, Shadow raising her head up at him, then laying her head down on Shiro's leg. This is comfortable. More comfortable than anything he can remember in a long while.]

You really wanna hear about my two years on a space whale so big, it had its own ecosystem? It wasn't that exciting.

[Extreme camping, more like. And some of it was... deeply personal, for himself and Krolia. He'll tell Shiro someday, just not right now. Maybe once they figure out everything else around them.]

We were just riding along in the Quantum Abyss until we got to where we suspected the pure strain of quintessence was coming from.

It's not about whether or not it's exciting. It's your story.

[There's a very slight emphasis on the way he says your. The implication being, of course, that he'd find anything Keith did to be interesting regardless. Still--]

We could tell, you know? Black and I. When you came back-- there was something different about you. She was so proud of you, Keith. And so am I.

Maybe, but it's not very interesting to tell either.

[He sounds like he's relaxing, bit by bit the more they talk. It almost feels like before the fight with Zarkon. Almost.]

Her, I could tell. [He looks at the walls of Black around them and sighs. She really had been looking out for him.] But thanks, Shiro.

[He buries his fingers in Shadow's ruff, idly following one of the patterns in her fur. He had a dog when he was a child, but pets weren't allowed on base unless they were in some form of training themselves, and at that point they stopped being pets and started being soldiers.]

You don't need to thank me.

[It's always been a given, between them. He hesitates, and then--]

How is everything? With you and your mother?

[The clone met her, he has that memory. But he hasn't really exchanged too many words with her yet. He isn't sure if he's keeping his distance, or she's keeping hers. Maybe a little bit of both.]

It's... fine. [He surprises himself saying it. It's the first time he's really thought about it.] I know what happened... And I understand why it happened.

But we talked about all of it.

[Keith looks off, like seeing his mother somewhere beyond the room they're in.]

I don't blame her.

[He makes a soft, agreeable sound and lapses into brief silence. His focus on the slow pattern of his hand, concentration broken only when Shadow cranes her head around and butts at his palm with her wet dog nose. He draws a breath, one that hitches on his ribs - broken still from the fight, but mending.]

I didn't-- what I sai-- what he said to you. Neither of us would have meant it.

[It's maybe the first time he's implied that the clone cared for Keith too. Even if the feelings, even if the memories were implanted-- what makes them real? Living them, or having them? Is there a difference? He mourns what another version of himself might have become, given time. Given freedom. And he can never apologize for what he's taken just by being here. He doesn't believe he had a greater right to life just because he came first, because at least he got to live. The clone was always locked into a singular destiny from the first moment he drew breath.]

I know that you know that. But I wanted to say it. He loved you too.

[His voice breaks a little, on that admission. Not many people alive know him well enough to catch it, but Keith does.]

[He catches it. His voice catches in his throat as he watches Shiro's face. Keith has to make sure he heard that right before he responds. He's sure he did.]

Y-yeah?

[God, that's dumb. He's being dumb, Shiro literally just admitted it, however subtle. He looks down at Shadow, moving the hand petting her so it's closer to Shiro's. Not quite touching though. He's still a little nervous.]

I guessed that was her influence. But... thanks for saying it.

[Shiro, meanwhile, is Fucking Oblivious™.]

She had access to everything. All of it. She knew how to push your buttons. And mine. Some of it's still-- [He raises his hand, taps his temple, and then lets it drop again back to where it was.] here.

[Quietly,]

Don't tell the others.

[It's an order and a plea. Both, somehow. But they're worried enough about him, and that's the last thing Shiro needs. Keith deserves to know because of how deeply it affected him, but it's- private. The rest.]

[He nods, a little awed that Shiro's sharing that with him.]

Of course... [He'd only mention if it became a threat to anyone. Somehow he doesn't think it will, but Shiro's word is all he needs. He trusts him with everything.]

What do you wanna do when we get back to Earth?

[He keeps glancing down from Shiro's face to Shiro's hand intermittently. He wants to do something incredibly impulsive and stupid, like he would have years ago.]

[That gets a soft little laugh. There's the obvious answer, the duty-minded one. They need to refit. Rebuild the Castle of Lions. He wants to talk to Matt, Matt, who's alive, to whom he has so much to say. They need to rally Earth to their cause, and Shiro... he doesn't think Lotor's out of the fight just yet. The Galra are hard to kill at the best of times, and Shiro has enough blood on his hands to know the intimate specifics.

He tips his head back against the wall.]

You remember that diner we used to drive out to? I could really go for a plate of their pancakes.

[They were frequently burnt, but you got used to the taste after a while.]

Mm. Yeah, I remember.

[It's hard not to take the look at Shiro's neck with his head back. Maybe.

He shifts his hand a little closer, just touching his knuckles to Shiro's.]

Wasn't really the same to go to after you left. Stopped going after a couple times.

We should go. Just the two of us.

[It isn't that he doesn't care for the rest of the Paladins and for everyone associated with their cause, because he does. So damningly, so deeply, he'd go into hell for any one of them with no more prompting than a word. But Keith was there first, and there are things Shiro owes to him that he doesn't to the others.]

I don't think they'd get it.

[The pancakes were usually burnt, but that's not the point of the place, not for them really.]

But we should. Pretty sure they'd be happy serving you again. [Shiro hasn't brushed his hand away, so Keith lets the weight of it settle against Shiro's hand. Just there. Touching and not feeling like the worst for it.]

[In all honesty, he's pretty sure Keith's just worried about him, and that's what all this physical contact is about. He doesn't mind it. Keith's hand is warm.]

You think the same people still work there?

[He chuckles at the thought. There was a tiny old lady everyone called Auntie, who snuck them extra and complained the barracks wasn't feeding them enough. Two growing boys, and they feed you no better than dogs! I won't have it. She would gather them both up for hugs and pat Keith on the head (which Shiro thinks he secretly enjoyed) and on cold days she'd give them hot chocolate for free.]

It feels like a lifetime.

[It has been, in some ways. In a lot of ways. He's not the same man he was then, when life had seemed so simple, when the universe was a smaller thing in his mind. Before the Lions, before the Galra-- the fights, that... damn pit. Everything.]

I hope it tastes the same, after eating so much alien food.

[His taste buds have acclimated to new things. He has a different sense of sweetness than he used to.]

Mm. [He is, but this is him testing his own limits. How comfortable is he with physical contact like this that he initiates himself?]

I hope Auntie's there. I kinda miss her. [No 'kinda', he does really miss her. He has a lot to thank her for, looking back. She really took care of them outside of the Garrison when she had the chance. It was just so foreign to him at the time, he didn't know what to make of it.]

I never thought I'd say it, but I kind of miss the mess hall burritos.

I miss her too.

[Which is all well and good, but then Keith has to go and mention the burritos. Shiro just groans. It's only the slightest bit theatrical.]

Did you actually just say that? I think the last one sent me to medbay...

[He laughs, raising his hand and then placing it on Shiro's, gently curling around it.]

We've eaten nothing but alien food for the last couple of years. [Keith, that's just been you for that long.] Call me crazy, fine, but I miss it. I think about the Garrison, and... I dunno, I think about the gross mess hall food.

[oh is this a thing they're doing now?

Shiro starts slightly, and then looks down at their hands. He doesn't move, but he doesn't reciprocate either. It has, however, pushed all thought of food right out of his mind.]

Keith...

[It's gentle. A little questioning.]

[Oh.

Oh shit. He... was wrong. He was so wrong and he realizes it in an instant of Shiro sounding confused.

He pulls his hand away like it was burned by that galra energy sword that burned his face. His face is hot and it's hard to breathe suddenly.

He fucked up.]

Sorry. I'm-- I thought... [He exhales deeply, keeping his eyes away from Shiro.] I was wrong. I'm sorry.

Hey.

[His tone is soft, but there's an element of warning to it. He knows what goes on in Keith's head when he feels he's screwed something up, and Shiro isn't about to let him stumble down that road.]

No, it's all right. Let's-- we should talk about this.

[A few things click into place, things he'd never thought of or considered before. He knew Keith looked up to him, but this is... something else and Shiro feels instantly, horrifically ashamed. As if he's taken advantage of him somehow.]

It's fine.

[His thoughts are moving too fast for him to put into words. Shiro loved him, but not like that. That wasn't the same and he'd made some grievous assumptions. He'd gotten too cocky in what he thought was right. He swallows it down, clenches his fists tight on his knees, something all too familiar to him with his memories still in the forefront.]

I'm-- Sorry. But it's fine.

[Gently,]

Keith. Please. I want to understand.

[The last thing he wants him to do is shut down. He's become someone else in the last two years, someone with all the familiar echoes of the boy he helped to raise but with new elements that he hasn't quite put into place yet. But he knows from experience, when Keith shuts him out, whatever he's protecting himself from never quite heals right.]

I-- [He runs hand through his bangs. He'd talked about Shiro a lot with his mom. Shared those memories with her during the flashes. It was during all that he realized what he actually felt for Shiro, having some insight from someone else who did everything to protect her loved one.

He loved you, too.

Keith thought-- He thought so much in just a few seconds.

He looks down at Shadow, feeling her nose against his hand earnestly. She can tell he's upset, even as he tries stroking her fur with trembling hands.]

I thought... You felt the same way. I was wrong.