whatsacactus | Victory Road Contact

[It's a few minutes before he responds, starting to gather things on his end and rearrange some things around his room.]

ill make this right shiro

What? Make what right? Keith, there's nothing TO make right. It's over.

im not strong enough to help

[Hasn't been since Matt and Shiro got on that ship and left Earth.]

ill get stronger

None of us were. Kuro evolved again wasn't strong enough. This is nothing against you, Keith. It doesn't mean you personally are weak. It means this was something no one here could have prepared for.

shiro i cant

[God, how does he put this into words. He's Bad at this.]

i lost you once

i thought i lost you again here

and i cant even hel
i have to get stronger
i promised matt id stop everything from happening back home
i have to help here too

Hey Breathe. Okay? Take a breath. Is Litten there with you?

[Are you even in the house? They can talk about all those things just unloaded in a minute. He's got to make sure his friend is okay, first.]

[That clearly takes priority here.]

she's here

Okay. I'll come talk to you in person. But while I get there, breathe a little. Play with her.

[Just chill a minute buddy.]

ok

[He'll wait. Wait and pet through Litten's fur on his lap as she tries to get his attention. She can tell something went wrong with her trainer. But he's sitting on the back porch and waits.]

[In the meantime, Keith is probably visited by more than a few pokemon -- like the various Voltorbs. Europa the spheal. And Green the Tropius, who bends her head over him for a couple seconds to sniff him over.]

[Can she over him a banana in this trying time?]

[It won't be that long before Shiro exits the house, though, dropping heavily down onto the steps with him.]

Hey.

[The pokemon that come up to see him, Keith gives a little attention to. A couple pats, watches Litten run around with them a couple minutes. Green, he reaches up to scratch her chin before she goes along her way. He doesn't take a banana though. That's weird, Green.

Keith doesn't look up when he hears Shiro behind him. He keeps his eyes on Litten, squeezing her paws gently. But his eyes are glassy and a little red - definitely was crying and isn't now.]

Hey.

Guess I should have brought some chocolate or... something.

[He's trying to tease a little. To lighten the air.]

You know... we don't expect you to have everything down and under control right now. You're allowed to be yourself.

[Allowed to be a military school dropout and a desert hobo. And he's not judging. Not even remotely.]

And that doesn't mean I think less of you. Or that I think you're incapable, or weak. You're you. That's... all any of us want you to be.

That may be but...

[It's not the problem. The problem is Keith knows he's not doing what he needs. He needs to be getting stronger. He needs to be preparing to stop whatever happens on the Kerberos mission to Matt and Shiro. To make sure they don't get tortured and nearly destroyed.

He looks at them and can just see a ghost of who they were at the Garrison. Things were never supposed to be like this when they started talking to him and helping him not feel so alone anymore.]

It's not enough until I can stop what happened.

Keith...

[He drags a hand down his face. Trying to figure out which words would work best. Which ones would sting the least. He's not sure any of them will. If anything he can possibly say or do is going to actively help the situation.]

[And he hates that he has to default to the blunt truth.]

I don't know if you can. They didn't want to listen to me, when I tried to tell them. They denied everything to Pidge's face -- to her mother...

[It probably goes without saying who "they" are.]

I don't want you to go back and have something worse happen. Or... have you leave and us not be able to find you.

Or have you find me.

[He knows they did. He decked one of them in the eye for trying to lie to his own face.

They were all he'd had a sea of nothing. He'd gone to the Garrison to fly; he stayed for them.

Keith grips his fist in his hair, tugging gently to ground himself.]

Then what am I supposed to do?! Go back knowing that you're out there? That you and Matt and Commander Holt are captive and not do anything?! If I can do something, why shouldn't I try?

Yes.

[He hates the word as soon as it's out of his mouth. But it's true. And he keeps talking, just to prove it.]

If you're not where you were when things start happening, then there's no guarantee any of us get to where we are. There's no guarantee we find the Blue Lion, or that the others even get to be in the same place.

[And as much as reliving those moments is still kind of a nightmare--]

Or that I get out of there alive.

[It stops his thoughts cold. Shiro telling him not to help, to stay put and not stop all this from happening is an ice water shock to his system. There's no air in his lungs as he stares at his best friend, telling him not to look for him if he ever makes it home. For what? For some timeline to play out that Keith barely has a connection to?

Would Matt say the same? Would Katie?

Litten tries to help, paws on his chest and butting against his chin. This was always something he needed to talk to Shiro about. Now he regrets it.]

Fine.

I ...

[That "fine" is probably more than telling. And he pushes his hand through his hair. Several times. He feels exhausted, his face hurts. More than anything he wants to be able to make this better.]

[But the only way he knows how is to let things Be.]

... I don't like saying this. I hate it. I wish -- I wish there were a way you could do something. That anyone could.

[And how many times did he wish that. Back there. How many times did he scream it in his own head, while doing anything, everything he could to make sure they survived. To make sure Matt survived. How many times he'd looked at a doorway or a hallway and hoped familiar faces would come charging in, stopping the monsters. Ending the nightmare.]

[No one ever came.]

[Not until Ulaz, and look what happened to him. But it hadn't been fast enough, he hadn't come soon enough. The hurt and the nightmare slipped itself into his head and through his whole body and it lurks in shadows and dreams and -- don't put me under don't please listen to me--]

[He ... doesn't actually realize he's gone silent and still. That the hands he'd been using to rub at his temples have slipped down, pressing into his face and going white at the knuckles. It hurts. Probably the only reason it dawns on him something's changed. That he's not staring up at bright lights again and again and again and again and--]

--OWTH!

[There's an earsplitting yowl.]

[Luna just straight up launches herself into his lap, staring him in the eyes and howling like a concerned Siamese cat. Even going so far as to nip at his exposed wrist. Her claws digging into his lap.]

[And holy &%#$. It works.]

... s... sorry. Spaced out.

[The look on his face is likely familiar. It's a Keith who wants to bolt. Ready to run and not stop, because if he ever does he'll scream and never end. As it is, he keeps his mouth clamped shut; he doesn't want to say anything else. He'll only make it worse somehow. It's about all he's good at, he realizes.

Luna notices the change before Keith does - all the more an issue in his mind, how did he not notice - and he's stunned for a moment. He doesn't realize what he's looking at until Luna's in Shiro's lap trying to get his attention.

He sounds out of breath when he tries to talk] Hey-- Shiro. [And then Luna's yowling and Keith is kneeling in front of him, eyes wide and worried, but not touching. He doesn't know how bad Shiro is.]

It's okay. I'm--I'm sorry.

[It really would be familiar. But his brain is miles and miles away. Living through bright lights and purple-flickering moments he hasn't relived in a long time. He was happy not reliving them. Not waking up every night screaming.]

[Luna. Luna's here. She's howling and scratching and doing everything she can to pull him back. His arms feel too heavy when he lowers them. Slowly. Cradling the cat's face in his real hand. Swallowing. His mouth feels dry.]

I'm. Good. I'm okay. It's okay.

[Focus. Breathe. Luna starts determinedly kneading and he finally manages to focus his eyes on something.]

... talk. Please? Anything?

[Keith watches, waits to see what Shiro could need. Shiro asks him to talk, and suddenly he can't think. His mind goes blank and he scrabbles for anything to strong more than two words together.]

Remember... [Remember what? That's the problem right now, Shiro remembering too much.] Back in my first year, after you started talking to me. After that macaroni day, they started having to ration that out per student so it didn't happen again?

[Talking has helped before. It's helped pull him out of his own head. Focusing on what someone else puts there. What someone he trusts puts there. It works when it's Matt, when it's Jean and Armin. Of course it's going to work now.]

[Focus on the voice. On the weight of Luna and her paws digging pinpricks in.]

Did... they really?

[His voice is a little hoarse. But it's present.]

[Keith is watching him closely, seeing how long it takes him to respond, where his eyes focus. He's still hesitant to touch, letting Luna handle that. But the question - he lets out a little breathless laugh.]

Yeah. Said something about the on call medic not wanting to deal with anyone else in that condition again. Who knew you'd be the reason behind macaroni and cheese rations, huh?

[He shakes his head a little. The noise in the back of his throat like he's trying to laugh. Trying his best.]

I... had no idea it was me. Really should have been obvious... right?

[The words are quiet. His voice still a little distant. But steadier. Getting there.]

Well...

[Okay, he's going to chance it. Placing a gentle hand on Shiro's shoulder. It's light enough he could shrug it off in an instant.]

You were pretty out of it at the time. What about... About that week we had finals. Matt cooked up some energy drink out of... everything and had you test it first. Remember?

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